IN the third instalment of a highly dangerous series of missions, I have bugged the office of the Cairns Centrelink office in a bid to get to the bottom of this baby bonus brouhaha. 

Readers may recall my previous phone taps that exposed former prime minister John Howard’s tirade against Mayor Kevin Byrne and former premier Peter Beattie’s lack of interest in the Far North’s health system. Well, it turns out that bugging the office of our politicians is a breeze compared with the covert operation needed to get inside the top secret world of welfare.

I cannot reveal details of how it was done, mainly because it’s highly illegal, unethical and immoral. But my clandestine assignment was clearly necessary. As everyone from the limp-wristed Left to the redneck Right know, something has to be done about this baby bonus debacle. The population is exploding in exactly the types of demographic groups we don’t want or need more of.

The lower echelons of all segments of society are being trapped in a terrible cycle by having lots of kids who will grow up and follow the same reckless path of their parents, and so on and so forth. It is a dodgy money-making scam and a looming social crisis in the Far North, and anywhere else poor people with high libidos reside. In a remarkable stroke of luck, I captured a conversation between a pregnant single mum with 12 kids and a Centrelink officer. I could only hear the audio, but it was clear that it was an intense, emotive and tense situation.

Mum: Hi there, I’d like to know if there’s a limit to the baby bonus.

Officer: Limit? What, like an amount limit?

Mum: No, no, a limit on how many claims for the bonus I can make.

Officer: Ahh, no, I don’t think so.

Mum: Good, ’cos I’m broke and I’m fertile and it doesn’t take someone in a low socio-economic demographic to know how to solve thatproblem.

Officer: I’m sorry, low socio-whatta?

Mum: Are you trying to be funny? Just because I don’t work or use contraception or stay with one man or take responsibility for my actions doesn’t mean I’m an idiot.

Officer: I was just - Mum: Listen up lady. I was born on the wrong side of the tracks and it’s been a tough life ever since. Plus, men are bastards. And because men run the government it’s your fault I’m having so manybabies.

Officer: I’m not sure it’s fair to blame Centrelink for falling pregnant. 13 times.

Mum: Damn right I can blame Centrelink. I was making $13 an hour cleaning toilets before you started depositing thousands of dollars in my bank account every time I get knocked up. And then you give me buckets of money to look after them. Hell, with 12 kids and one on the way I make more money than you!

Officer: Madam, was there anything else I can help you with?

Mum: I need to know when the bonus is going up.

Officer: Well, yes, it’s being increased to $5000 on July 1.

Mum: July 1? God dammit!

Officer: Is there a problem miss?

Mum: Hell yes there’s a problem. There’s thousands of people on the public housing waiting list and I’m on the private rental blacklist so we’ve been living in cardboard boxes. It’s been hard on the kids, but it’s allowed me to save up money so I can buy my own home.

Officer: That’s a fantastic goal, you should be proud of yourself.

Mum: Yeah, and with all this money you’re giving me I’ve finally saved up enough to buy a big house on the hills of Whitfield, right near the Mayor.

Officer: That’s, that’s wonderful.

Mum: It would’ve been great. But I need another $5000 for the deposit and this bun in my oven is due in May.