Despite the statistics, looking for love is proving difficult on both sides of the singles fence. 
 

Where have all the men gone? It’s a question the women of Cairns have often pondered and one which received added clout with the shocking revelation last year that the city was in the midst of a fully-fledged man drought.

However, in an interesting twist that defies the statistics, it seems it’s not just the girls who’ve got their work cut out for them in the hunt for love.

With a reported 50-to-one ratio of women to men in the 23-49 year age bracket, the city’s male population could be forgiven for thinking finding Mrs Right would be a walk in the park.

Not so, it seems – at least for one local lad – who says after five months in town and regular visits to the city’s usual nightspots, he’s still waiting to discover where the bachelorettes hang out.

Northern Pride full-back Chey Bird moved to Cairns from Townsville late last year. With his high-profile dream job, friendly demeanour and striking good looks, Chey could easily be described as a catch for any lucky young woman.

But surprisingly, apart from a handful of casual dates, he says his luck with the ladies in terms of anything meaningful, has been limited since his arrival.

“I find it hard,” he says of the Cairns dating scene. “I mean you’ve got all your night-life, but everyone you try and talk to seems to have an English accent. You can’t really find too many locals. I don’t know where they are hiding but they must have some secret hangout that I’m not yet aware of.”

Though Chey makes light of the apparent elusiveness of Cairns women, relationships counsellor Colleen Gray says she’s not surprised local men and women aren’t finding their ideal match at the stool of a busy bar or out on the dance floor.

Despite bars and clubs rating among the most common venues for singles to scout, she says they are hardly the ideal destination for those looking for a meaningful relationship.

Rather than relying solely on crowded nightspots, Colleen says singles open to the idea of settling down should widen their experiences to include less obvious hunting grounds such as friendly barbecues, lunchtime events and public spaces such as the Esplanade or the beach.

“It’s also important to leave enough space in your life to actually notice the people you meet, or you may be too busy to recognise someone who could actually be nice, available and suitable,” she says.

That’s not to say singles should entirely abandon the prospect of meeting their match while out on the town, but simply to be aware that other avenues exist.

Colleen says the best thing for singles to remember when embarking on a search is to start with the end in mind.

“Ask yourself, what are the goals you want to achieve? Are they to socialise, get lucky, meet a soul partner or simply to meet new people?”

Bá8 Shangri-La sales co-ordinator Sarah Weatherall argues not all bars are a lost cause and says the hotel’s contemporary venue is the ideal place to relax and unwind with the prospect of meeting like-minded people.

She points out that with its noticeably relaxed atmosphere where people can talk and still be heard combined with a comfortable setting, Bá8, like any good lounge bar, is conducive to some friendly conversation among new acquaintances. 

“Unfortunately there aren’t many suitable venues in town where singles can go to meet other singles. There are plenty of bars and clubs in town to go drink and listen to loud music but to have an intelligent conversation with someone is extremely difficult,” Sarah explains.

“Andy Warhol once said: ‘To meet interesting people you need to be at interesting places’. When people go out with friends and have a good time, other people find them more interesting. It’s easier to meet someone when they are having fun, relaxed and in a safe and interesting environment.”

Though a lack of suitable venues to meet potential partners is a concern for some, it seems the issues facing singles in Cairns are more than simply geographical.

For local musician Chris Andre, meeting women is not the problem. In fact, he admits to being surrounded by a multitude of beauties throughout his illustrious career.

He says a reluctance to forgo the feelings of absolute freedom and contentment he finds in his music is more likely what is stopping him from taking the marital plunge.

“I’ve been happily single for 45 years,” he admits.

“I’m one of the very lucky people who found music as a child and I could go the rest of my life happily single knowing I’ve got music as my partner. That doesn’t mean I’m anti-relationships, but I think as you get older you realise what makes you happy in your life and with yourself. I love having time to myself and time to create and I’m not sure I’d give that up for the sake of being with someone … I would do it though, for the right person I’d do it tomorrow.”

Chris is not alone in his preference for staying single over settling for an inferior relationship. Vivacious 4CAFM announcer Tammy Barker says she’d “rather be single than in a relationship I’m not happy with”.

It’s a trend Colleen says is becoming increasingly common as individuals realise the joys of freedom and independence.

However, Tammy, who returned to Cairns last May after 13 years abroad, says her high expectations for a partner and her contentment as an independent woman doesn’t equate to a desire for a solitary existence.

“As I’ve gotten older I definitely find the idea of a relationship far more appealing and if someone I met took my interest I’d be open to it,” she says.

The problem, she explains, is that men in Cairns aren’t nearly as forward as their metropolitan counterparts when it comes to asking a woman out.

“For example, I’ve never been asked out as much as I was when I was living in Canada and North America,” Tammy says.

“In Canada especially, men and women date. Men are very forward and are casual and comfortable in asking you out. It was really nice to do lunch dates and movies on a regular basis.  

“Since I’ve been back it hasn’t been as common, I’ve probably been on four proper dates in the past year,” Tammy says.

Though she admits she could take the lead and make the first move, especially given her vibrant and confident nature, Tammy says she’s still an old-fashioned girl at heart.

“On a friendly, social basis I’m not a shy person, I’m even extroverted but on the dating side of things I’m very uncomfortable. Also, I much prefer to be approached than to do the approaching. I find that an attractive quality in a man.”

Tammy adds that it’s important for women to acknowledge a man when he has made the effort.

Chey says another tip for both men and women is to not hunt in packs.

“When meeting people in clubs you don’t just have that person to impress, you’ve got their whole circle of friends as well that need to give their nod of approval,” Chey explains.

“I guess if you can, you need to isolate them and get to know them one-on-one then and I think most people are receptive to meeting someone new.”

Tammy says it was her personal experience with the Cairns singles’ scene that helped her decide to get behind a local charity event targeted solely at singles. Organised by the Far North Queensland Hospital Foundation, the SOS Ball was held for the first time last year. Its overwhelming success, much to the surprise of organisers, secured its position on the annual calendar. 

Tammy, who will play host at this year’s event, says the formal evening is a chance for singles to get back to basics and enjoy an opportunity to meet new people in a classy, comfortable and enjoyable setting. Hospital Foundation fundraising and marketing manager Glenys Duncombe agrees and says the foundation took the project on last year after hearing of its long-running success in Darwin.

Glenys, herself a divorcee entering the dating game after nearly two decades of marriage, says she understood the plight of singles when first organising the ball. Not comfortable with the bar and club scene and perhaps not quite ready to tackle less traditional avenues such as internet dating, Glenys felt a singles ball would provide an ideal environment in which singles of all ages could meet, be it to find love or simply to enjoy a night of dancing and conversation.

“Getting out and meeting single people, people in a like situation as yourself, can be really hard. Especially for those who, like myself, have been married for 20 years and find it hard to go out there again,” Glenys says. “And in a normal setting it’s hard to know if others are single but with the ball everyone is in the same situation. There’s no guessing. It’s really just a case of getting out and meeting people, and if you click you click.

“If not, it’s still a really fun night and you could make some great friends out of it.”

Tammy says she’s looking forward to her role as host, which should make for an interesting conversation opener on the night. And though usually shy, she says she’s prepared to put herself out there for the sake of a good cause … her own that is.

“Even I know if you don’t go out to make an effort, you won’t meet people, and, if you’re not meeting people at work or your usual sporting venues and the like, then you have to make the effort somewhere else,” she says.

“It’s just a matter of finding people outside your familiar social circle.”

The SOS Ball will be held on Saturday, April 26, from 6.30pm to 11.45pm at Rydges Esplanade Resort Cairns.  Tickets cost $65. Ph: 4054 4511. Proceeds benefit the Emergency Department redevelopment at the Cairns Base Hospital.

Looking for love

Cairns therapist Colleen Gray knows the highs and lows people face when it comes to matters of the heart. Here she shares her tips and tricks on finding love or whether it’s really love you are looking for.

What are the goals you want to achieve? Are they to socialise, get lucky, meet a soul partner, get some practice or simply to meet new people? This will dramatically change how you approach people and what places you target.

What impression do you want people you meet to have of you the next day? If you want them to remember you as a nice person, be nice. If you don’t want them to think of you as an easy lay, then don’t be. Be conscious of how people will perceive you. First impressions do count.

What is your minimum standard for a partner? Don’t let a need for companionship compromise your expectations.

Once you have considered the answers to those questions try these steps:

Plan what you will wear and where the best hunting ground is // If it’s a one-night stand you’re looking for, that’s easy, hit the clubs and dress to impress. If it’s a serious, loving relationship you’re after, dress in a way that communicates that and concentrate your efforts on venues where likeminded suitors might congregate. 

Have a pre-planned conversation script in mind // This will get you over the first hurdle of actually saying hello.

Questions to consider include: How often do you come here? What do you like doing in your spare time? What kind of music do you like listening to?

Plan your own responses // Make sure to communicate what you want people to know. For example, ask yourself what it is you like about your job. What are your interests? Where do you want to be in your life? Who are your favourite movie stars, singers and people you admire and what do you like about them?

Finally, know how to judge when a potential partner notices you // Watch for tell-tale signs such as a direct gaze, a warm smile and if you’ve already started talking check for regular eye contact and a genuine interest in you as a person and what you do.

Things to remember when striking up a conversation:

¤ Be dignified, sit up and look at the other person.

¤ Be genuine and your smile will follow.

¤ Pay attention to how the person talks, smiles and moves and work out if there is any benefit in spending time with them.

¤ Breathe evenly and slowly to keep your pulse rate slow and regular, this will keep you relaxed.

¤ Most importantly, listen to your gut instinct.

Colleen Gray is a relationship columnist for The Cairns Post and an experienced personal therapist. She runs a therapy practice in Cairns and can be contacted at www.wayforward.com.au

Street beat

What locals think of the singles’ scene in Cairns…

Aaron Sully // North Cairns

There’s not many places for people to meet or many organised events. You can go into town. There seems to be a lot more people out to get drunk than actually meet anyone. If you do meet someone then it’s likely to be a one-night thing. Restaurants are good for meeting people or somewhere like a singles’ club, somewhere where you can talk.

Tamara West // Brinsmead

I actually find the singles’ scene in Cairns pretty hard. We go out into town every weekend but the kind of guys who are out just want one thing. Guys I guess are stuck with that stereotype, but I think some guys do want a relationship as much as us girls, we just need to find those guys. I generally meet guys through my friends.

James Bailey // Manoora

It seems to be OK, it can be hard sometimes.  There’s a lot of tourists here but they tend to keep to themselves. The local girls are all friendly but it’s just hard to find the right one. I’ve been married so I’m not really looking for anything long term but if I could find the right girl… I once read the supermarket was one of the best places to meet potential partners.

Shelley Wockner // Redlynch

It could be better. The majority of boys have a girlfriend or are just after one thing. You just have to meet the right guy for you.  I probably would go out on a date if I was asked but I would have to know them a little beforehand or it might be uncomfortable. I prefer to meet guys through a friend or through work and other social situations.

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