IN an attempt to drown my sorrow at news that Qantas is plotting to murder Cairns with savage cuts to our collective jugular, I went to the apparently historic Yacht Club for a few beers.

The grim spectre of the imminent closure of the Yacht Club matched the mood swirling around in the souls of every business owner who relies on Japanese tourists.

I was hunkered down in a dark corner near the dance floor, trying to work out what went wrong with our once shining light of a city.

Staring out into the black night over Trinity Inlet, I couldn`t help but overhear a rabble of cheerful voices talking about the very subject I had come here to contemplate.

When I discovered the identities behind the voices and the nature of their conversation, I almost fell off my rickety chair.

Believe it or not, I had stumbled across a secret meeting between none other than Premier Anna Bligh, Qantas boss Geoff Dixon, Mayor Val Schier and Leichhardt MP Jim Turnour.

This cabal of community and corporate leaders were discussing an evil plan to boost growth in South-East Queensland at the expense of the Far North.

I shuddered at the death knell sound of the clink of their wine glasses as they toasted their success in orchestrating the begining of the end of Cairns.

BLIGH: Cheers everyone! The plan is finally bearing fruit.

SCHIER: What plan, o` great and wise Premier?

BLIGH: Don`t tell me you`ve forgotten the plan Val, geez.

DIXON: I remember the plan.

BLIGH: You should bloody well remember it Geoff. If it wasn`t for you, we`d still have flights going into Cairns instead of the Gold Coast.

SCHIER: Why do we want flights going to the Gold Coast instead of Cairns?

TURNOUR: Is it part of our plan to help working families?

BLIGH: Do any of you remember why we got both of you elected?

SCHIER: So we wouldn`t stand up for Cairns and say anything bad about the State Government?

BLIGH: Well, yes, there is that. But the main reason is that you became an important element of our brilliantly evil and secret organisation.

TURNOUR: Umm...what`s it called?

BLIGH: Business And Leaders Stand Against Cairns.

SCHIER: Wait a second. If you say that acronym out loud you get...

BLIGH: Don`t get testy with me Val. The plan to crush the Far North while we make the South East bigger and better should not be taken lightly.

TURNOUR: Yeah, it`s important. With tourism declining in Cairns, people will lose their jobs. Then they`ll leave town. Then we won`t have to waste millions of dollars on vital infrastructure.

SCHIER: Yeah, we could even leave the hospital the way it is. If there`s no-one here to use it you won`t need to upgrade it or build a new one!

BLIGH: You pair are smarter than you look. Our secret organisation is proud to have you as members. The Qantas cuts are just part of the overall plan however. We`re stopping the 8 cents a litre subsidy for interstate motorists so that should dampen the domestic market. We`ll also give control of Far Northern ports to Townsville now that the Cairns Port Authority has been crippled.

TURNOUR: Wait a minute. What will Val and I do when we`re up for election next time around? Won`t Far Northern voters hate our guts if they find out we`re trying to turn their bustling paradise into a ghost town?

BLIGH: Take a pill Jim. Think about it. There won`t be many voters left up here anyway. You`ll only have to represent a handful of blackfellas and greenies, who vote Labor no matter what we do to them.

DIXON: Bartender, another round of chardonnay. We`ve got a hell of a lot to celebrate. I propose a toast, to the end of the Far North and the glorious future of the South-East.

ALL: Cheers!

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