IF memory serves me correctly I am not a virgin but judging by the beaming smiles on the faces of the flock of pilgrims in Sydney this week I almost wish I were.
Virgins are pure of character and strong of will.
Just ask Jesus. By all accounts He was a top bloke, and far too busy doing good deeds and spreading the Gospel to get His proverbial leg over.
And so are the 150,000 young Catholics at World Youth Day celebrations.
I watched in wonder at their unique ability to laugh and dance the night away without a skerrick of sin or illegal substances involved.
Then I remembered they were virgins, and quickly realised this was their secret weapon.
I'm not a religous man but I do admire the ability of these kids to resist temptation in an age when it`s not easy being young and human.
It's even harder being young and human while bumping loins in a throng of thousands of other young humans who are so full of celestial love they`ll hug anything that moves.
A prolonged cuddle from a gorgeous foreign stranger can stir teen hormones to dangerous levels measurable only by Geiger counters.
I'm pretty sure that if you could bottle the sexual tension hanging in the air over Sydney this week you'd have a solution to the global energy crisis.
They just look so happy and full of life, don't they?
Good on them, I say. More teens should follow their lead and forget about fornicating for the future well-being of society.
Virgins, I can safely assume, don't bully other kids, or do drugs or binge drink or bash old folks.
I know people with little brains will say it's because these kids are religious.
Fanatically fundamentalist Muslims and George W. Bush are religious too, but that hasn't stopped them bombing innocent civilians into the afterlife.
Note also that Dubya and Muslim crazies are not virgins, an obvious contributor to their lack of decency and respect for humanity.
Yes, it's clear that virginity is the answer to all of our problems.
Take, for example, the crisis posed by the globe's sky-rocketing population.
The world doesn't have enough food, oil and other important resources such as shopping malls to cater for this ever-growing mass of people.
But we could solve this troubling supply and demand problem if more of us were virgins.
No sex means no babies. That's good for our population quotas and even better for those of us who like to travel on planes in peace and quiet.
Any rise in virginity rates would also have the unexpected benefit of freeing the English language from the shackles of negative connotations.
What a memorable day it will be when an old lady can discuss her "deflowering incident" knowing that everyone within earshot will understand she's referring to a recent pruning accident on her garden hedge.
Chefs could freely talk about "popping the cherry" on cooking shows and the phrase "undamaged goods" will only be used by removalists after a trouble-free delivery to your new home.
The world would be one big Beatles album, our lives lived like the lyrics of "All You Need is Love", ironically a song written by four blokes in the throes of drug-fuelled romps with virginal groupies.
Unfortunately, the crowds of God's chaste children are now returning to their far-flung countries, leaving us with a vacuum of virgins.
So when crime rates suddenly soar, financial markets nose dive and the sun stops shining, you'll know it's because the rest of us are too busy copulating.
Don't say I didn`t warn you.
BY THE WAY...
As if details of Police Minister Judy Spence's junket to the United States in last week's column weren't shocking enough, take a moment to digest this disturbing fact. The trip, including NBA basketball games, the Indy 500 motor race and helicopter rides with LA Police, cost taxpayers a staggering $47,000. That's $47,000 of your money down the drain, and for what?
On a lighter note, I must say thank you to the anonymous reader who discreetly dropped into The Cairns Post office and left a bag at reception for me to collect. It contained a toilet roll. On its double-ply sheets was scrawled: "Val's first 100 days - just like the writing material (toilet paper), absolutely blank! Keep up the good work." Whoever you are, see a psychiatrist. And keep the creative gifts coming.
