We've known for ages that women live longer than us, but this is beyond a joke.

New statistics show the average Australian girl born today will live 4.7 years longer than a boy born at the same time.

In a revelation so shocking it'll cut the life expectancy of local males even further, the gap in the Far North is wider than the national average.

Yes, a new Australian Bureau of Statistics report shows a local woman can expect to live 5.2 years longer than a local bloke.

5.2 freakin` years! What the hell is going on?

I have my suspicions, namely that women are stone cold crazy.

Indeed, they are so crazy we spend our lives struggling to understand and deal with their brand of crazy.

This stress compounds the longer we're with them and it kills us.

But that's just my theory. So in the interests of fairness, I refused to speak to women.

You can't reason with a crazy person. Instead I asked men for their take on these disturbing findings.

A few of them believe we die younger because we work harder.

One man who works in a CBD shop told me this while I was standing next to a woman, and while it's impossible to ever tell what women are thinking, because they're crazy, it's safe to say she looked really angry.

And this bloke wonders why we're dying younger.

Other reasons emerged, but nagging was by far the biggest reason given by males to explain our demise.

One man, who suggested he would be killed and divorced, in that order, if he revealed his identity, said men deliberately die young to escape the tortuous, persistent curse of constant nagging.

Slightly more philosophical offerings came from newspaper colleagues Peter Michael and Marc McCormack.

Michael, who occupied this column space before me, fears he is destined to die some 30 years before his wife if their respective family trees are any guide.

"My wife will live longer because she deserves to. She is more pure. She has trod the earth more gently. My body, conversely, has been ruptured by rugby, corrupted by excess, and drowned in drink," he said.

"I do, however, hope advances in modern science and my daily dose of fish oil will be enough to resurrect me on the righteous path to longevity."

McCormack, The Cairns Post's chief photographer, went even deeper.

"Man is like stone, a pillar in the adversity of life, and women are like water which has the ability to penetrate the hardest matter," he pondered.

"Some may drown you but they also have the ability to let you float, this can be a fine line for some of us especially for the stubborn who will sink like he who is made of stone."

McCormack had obviously gone insane, a condition no doubt brought on by long exposure to his darling wife Sandra.

But there is some method in his madness, so inspired by his rant I thought about this looming threat to mankind. Then I hit upon a new theory.

Men don't get any support. There are help groups, charities and government handouts for every sub-category of humanity, except normal Australian blokes.

Transvestite midgets with a lisp get more help than us.

Our calendar is jammed with awareness days - Pink Ribbon Day, World Parkinson's Day, Red Nose Day, Jeans for Genes Day, Cross-Dressing Midget Day.

What about Normal Bloke's Day? Why hasn't the government announced a $6000 man bonus?

The only thing we've got is Movember, of which Michael, McCormack and I are participants this year.

Let me tell you that growing a moustache in the wet season is no fun. It's irritating, itchy and it looks ridiculous.

And because there are so many other charity days, not to mention the GFC (Global Financial Crisis), no one has any money left to give us.

We are doomed, especially if God turns out to be a woman.

How on earth and in heaven will we cope with a life of eternal nagging?

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