HAROLD Holt didn't drown.
Nope. It turns out Australia’s 17th prime minister was not washed away to a watery grave when he went for swim on Cheviot Beach in 1967.
He was actually abducted by a race of insect-like aliens who were curious about the democratic processes of humans.
Holt spent the next 42 years on the Saturn moon Titan, holding tutorials and educating his new insect friends about the wonders of two-party systems and election via vote.
But word of Malcolm Turnbull’s dismal popularity reached the outer edges of the solar system and Holt felt compelled to return and help the Liberal Party in its darkest hour.
The aliens accepted Holt’s wish, transporting him back to Cheviot Beach in a space ship the size of Tasmania.
Upon being teleported to the sand, Holt promptly announced he would challenge Turnbull for the Liberal Party leadership and re-establish the Coalition as the country’s chief political power.
But because Tiger Woods was having a bowel movement at Kingston Heath Golf Club nobody noticed Holt’s triumphant return.
His ego shattered, Holt raised his middle finger to the empty beach before signalling to the aliens he wanted to return to Titan.
Am I making this story up? Let’s be honest, you wouldn’t know if I was.
I like a good media circus.
Seeing journalists kick, scratch and bite each other to stick their microphones closest to a celebrity’s face is much more entertaining than watching some bloke juggle chainsaws blindfolded.
I had the day off Tuesday (I work Sunday) and watched the media conference Woods held at Kingston Heath.
I remember Channel 9 reporter Tony Jones giving a minute-by-minute update about where Tiger was and when the media conference would start.
I remember listening to Victorian Premier John Brumby sitting at the left of Woods and using the first three minutes of the conference spruiking his state in what was tantamount to a free ad.
And then it was time for Woods to open his mouth for what was the most boring media conference in the history of modern journalism.
It wasn’t Woods’ fault.
He was never going to say anything controversial, like he is really left handed and only plays with his right to give other golfers a chance.
Woods was the consummate professional, polite and smiling, answering all questions eloquently.
He was on autopilot and was never given a reason to switch to
manual.
I wonder at the end of the press conference, when the journalists played back the recordings of Woods’ words, if they thought to themselves: "Did we just do all that for a guy who hits a white ball into a hole?"
You did.
I’m not knocking Woods.
It’s the human condition.
It’s like when Lance Armstrong raced in the Tour Down Under this year or when David Beckham played in Sydney two years ago.
Some athletes transcend the appeal of sport and tap into something more universal.
They make people want to say: "Yep, I saw him do what he does best in the flesh."
The good thing is Woods is only 33 and will be playing golf and creating frenzies across the globe for many years to come.
Unless those insects from Titan decide to give golf a go.
