Migaloo, with the help of JCU scientists, reveals to reporter Dan Bateman how he deals with life as a celebrity white whale

It's whale season in Far North Queensland: that wonderful time of year where the Great Barrier Reef’s waters are replete with the squeals and splashes of the ocean’s largest mammals.

It’s also breeding season, meaning the thousands of humpback and dwarf minke whales that make the long journey from Antarctica to our warm tropical waters are here for one reason, and one reason only: to get down and make some sweet, sweet lovin’.

Among these randy beasts is the world’s most famous living whale, Migaloo, a sheer-white humpback who was spotted on Wednesday off Port Douglas.

This year, it seems this loveable leviathan lothario has brought up with him a completely white calf, dubbed Bahloo, meaning "Moon Spirit".

Whether or not Bahloo is in fact Migaloo’s offspring has yet to be confirmed by scientists.

So rather than wait for a proper DNA analysis, James Cook University has lent me a prototype of its patented whale translator.

This state-of-the-art device diagnoses the wavelength of the whale’s song and applying a complex logarithm, translates the tone and longevity of the call into pure English.

The scientists who have been working on the translator for the past five years have, at last, given in to my incessant phone calls, and let me test it out for them on the Reef.

So in a real world exclusive, we bring you a one-on-one interview with none other than the white whale himself, Migaloo:

[DB]: Thanks for joining us here today, Migaloo.

[MIGALOO WHALE]: You’re welcome.

[DB]: First things first, it must be nice to be back in the tropics.

[MW]: It sure is.

[DB]: Does it get cold down there in the Southern Ocean?

[MW]: No, the water’s fine . . . once you’re in.

[DB]: That’s a long way to come, from Antarctica to Port Douglas. You must be tired.

[MW]: If you saw some of the ladies waiting for me up here, you wouldn’t give it a second thought.

[DB]: Yes, indeed, I’ve heard you’re a bit of a pants man. And now there’s a bit of conjecture about whether Bahloo is, in fact, your offspring. Are you able to shed any light on this?

[MW]: I honestly wouldn’t know. I’ve been up to the Great Barrier Reef so many times . . . well, let’s just say I’ve been having a whale of a time. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

[DB]: Well, yes, I think I catch your drift, thank you. There were quite a few a tourists and boaties who were excited to see you back in our waters. Is the feeling mutual?

[MW]: Ah, you mean the paps – the paparazzi. Yeah, they follow me everywhere, but you kinda get used to it. It goes with the turf. Or the surf, as the case may be.

[DB]: And this is, in fact, the second time you’ve been spotted off Port Douglas. What’s the attraction?

[MW]: I would have thought it was pretty obvious. All the big names head to Port – Clinton, McConaughey, Kylie, Pink, Guns N’ Roses, Migaloo . . .

[DB]: Fair enough. Migaloo, your unique colouring has inspired many around the world. We’re wondering, what is it like being a white whale?

[MW]: It’s cool. I mean, it’s got its perks; it’s much easier for the babes to find you while you’re underwater, but sure, there are the downsides.

[DB]: Downsides, like what? Japanese "researchers" find it easier to find you, too?

[MW]: I have to apply a ridiculous amount of suntan oil if I want to show off my post-tropical holiday tan back in the Antarctic.

[DB]: Do you get along with all the other humpbacks? Are they jealous of the attention you get?

[MV]: Yeah, they can get a bit envious, There have been claims that I bleached my skin, Michael Jackson-style. But I just laugh it off and tell them I have a skin disorder.

[DB]: Speaking of white whales, have you learnt anything from that other white whale, Moby Dick?

[MW]: The Dickster is actually my hero. Once you get past all the Shakespearean symbolism and parallels to European romanticism, you’ve got the tale of one hell of a badass. I mean, Moby sank how many ships? He’s universally regarded as the Arnold Schwarzenegger of sea mammals. Without the Austrian accent. That reminds me, actually.

[DB]: Reminds you of what?

[MW]: I heard a report of another famous big whale who was up here in Cairns earlier this week.

[DB]: Really?

[MW]: Turned out to be Joe Hockey.

[DB]: Zing! Nice to see you’re up on your federal politics. Environment Minister Peter Garrett was recently in Morocco championing your cause, trying to dissuade countries around the world from hunting you and your fellow ilke. What do you think of that?

[MW]: The publicity is great, but I’m still kinda bummed about it all.

[DB]: Why’s that?

[MW]: Sure, the man’s been away from the Oils for eight years – barring that bushfire gig last year – but while he was up on the world stage, would it have killed him to belt out at least one tune for all of his aquatic fans out there?

[DB]: What’s your favourite song?

[MW]: Blue Sky Mine, for sure. I do a mean harmonica solo through my blowhole. You could say I really WAIL on the ol’ mouth harp.

[DB]: Ha ha ha . . . thanks for your time, Migaloo. Will we see you again next year?

[MW] Maybe. It depends on whether I can get the penthouse suite at the Mirage again.

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